I have been in a horrible mood lately. My emotional state is in shambles, I am extremely self-conscious, self-critical and self-deprecating, I am hurtling through space at a million miles per hour and I am easily intimidated and my anxiety is off of the charts. (I have also had the song “Old Man River” stuck in my head for the past two days.)
What is going on? I have no clue. Is it a standard case of “fear of the future?” Hatred for the not knowing where I will end up? Am I subconsciously stressing about a deep challenge I have yet to identify? Am I crazy? Is this normal 21-year-old female behavior? Am I just really dramatic?
This week, I am going to participate in an experiment of sorts. It is three-fold. I need your help to hold me accountable. Here it is:
- I am not going to criticize myself.
- I am going to stand up for myself.
- I am going to stop worrying.
Seems simple, right? Most people live their everyday lives like this. (Or at least they give a great performance pretending.) A brief description:
I am fine as I am. I am not going to second guess my abilities. I am not going to keep making comments about my weight, my clothes, my hair or my lack/abundance of makeup. I am going to stop making myself feel like a horrible person, because I am not a horrible person. So what if I have a cowlick and I don’t have a boyfriend and I wear gym shorts to class and I couldn’t run a half-marathon? I have done worse things.
I am going to be my own advocate. I get extremely intimidated by others. People I should be flocking to as mentors, friends and loved ones seem off limits to me. It really doesn’t matter what the situation is. I have a professor who I love dearly yet I am afraid to talk to them during office hours. That former boss or writer whose job I aspire to have one day? Yep. The “cool kids” in my classes? Them too. I get inside my head and convince myself that I am not good enough to be in their presence. (See above. Yeah.) I am going to knock that off. I am going to march right up to my fears and shake some hands, goddammit. I am not going to apologize for my quirky personality traits; the folksy way that I speak, my annoying habit of saying “Fun Fact!”, the organizations I am a part of or my uncanny ability to remember obscure details (which oftentimes makes me come off as a stalker). And finally, I am going to alert people of problems, issues and/or inconveniences before I allow them to blow up and ruin something. I am going to stand up straight and face life. [normally I would insert a scoliosis joke here, but I’m not doing that anymore, remember?]
I am a worry-wart. Wait, let me elaborate: I fret, I am flighty, my mind is an internet browser with 20 different tabs open to various WebMD pages. Why worry? This is no way to live. It will all work out. It will all be okay. And if it won’t? Then I will deal with it and move on. Remember: “All shall be well, and all shall be well.”
So watch out, world. A new Amanda will be crossing your paths. Are you ready?